Wednesday, November 15, 2006

so the tooot thing? it's over. and just when i thought he was the one.. i'm wrong all over again. jorge's a great guy and everything. just not the guy for me. i can't explain why exactly. it's not because i got fed up and DEFINITELY not because of some other guy. the high which i was experiencing for about 3 months or so just.. ran out. i just woke up one day and realized that we don't click as good i thought we did. for one, him blaming my best friend [nikki] for me being like this [clearly he does not know me as well as he thought he did] is not a good thing. and they don't really get along all that much. i want my friends to be able to be comfortable with the guy i like seeing as they are more important than whoever that guy is. DUH. it's like basic knowledge NOT to diss one's friends. especially if one wants to be more with said person. my gad. so clueless. tsk tsk. anyhoo. moving on. so this leaves me with no prom date. ugh. bad bad. prom is like only 5 months away and i don't have any clue to whom i want to ask. this royally sucks. : so anyway, everybody's into relationships right now and it's really pissing me off. i mean. i want one too. :( like seriously. and then i thought about my first ever close to love. let's call him.. charlemagne. whut?! social and cl ka ba? haha :D anyway, i was in first year then and i was completely and utterly enamored by said charlemagne. he was hot to say the least yet he had this confident bordering on cocky aura. shit. i shound like some shitty romance novel. ugh. too much reading. haha :D so anyway, at first what attracted me to him was his looks. then gradually to who he was. like i told nikki and co. it was his imperfections that made him perfect, that made me fall for him even more. he wasn't nice. and he definitely wasn't sweet. but even if he was really cold on the outside,there were times where i had a glimpse of his sweet side which i never expected him to have. people do really exceed your expectations sometimes. you know. if he asked me to be his before and if he showed that he truly really did love me? we would still be together now.. which is kind of depressing seeing as the guy i fell for is totally gone and replaced with some... creature. ugh. i hate who he has become. its really sad to realize that i've been looking for that lost guy in every guy i meet. in those short months that charlemagne and i actually spent together, i was so happy. even if i got hurt a lot of times and he always kept me guessin. i like that about him. i never knew what to expect. i love suprises. :) i know this might sound extremely weird but i love the fact that i got jealous. i never get jealous. well at least it takes a lot for me to be one. as the saying goes, "first love never dies." right? so maybe i'll be carrying this with me forever. maybe i'll learn to let go and get over it. but right now, all i know is. if he did ask me to be his then, i'd love him for a really long time..

StiLl FaLliNg.//* 7:46 PM

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Saturday, September 09, 2006

just like what the title said, this post is about phone talk. with tooot specifically. :) so medjo super napaenglish ako the whole 2 and half hours that we were talking. nikki slept here last night so it wasn't that awkward. anyhow, it was super fun to talk to him. as in.. you'd never expect him to be that fun to talk to since "shy and quiet" DAW siya. RIIGHT. and i'm santa claus. :P actually, i'm really glad that he wasn't what i expected him to be. i mean, sure there were awkward silences here and there. but hey, i guess it's normal if it's your first phone convo right? for some unknown reason i can't seem to remember what we talked about exactly. just bits and pieces that i'm not about to reveal to the world. what we talked about is between me and him. i'm just trying to express my kilig. haha :D anyway, happy feelings aside. i'm feeling really pathetic. i mean, if i was my beeetchis. i would kill myself. i'm behaving like some obsessed love sick teenager. which is absolutely revolting. i'm not used to feeling like this and i'm not sure i like it all too well. no, i'm not liking it at all. even my friends are getting freaked out. see, i'm not the type to dwell on a guy much. like i'd like him for a bit, and that takes time. then i'd find some flaw or something wrong with him and i'd back out. i'm not like others who actually like the guy and open themselves to hurt and pain. see, for the past week i was in cloud 9. but now? god. i came crashing back to reality. i need a break from him. seriously. god. i'm doing a complete 180 arent i? it's just that i'm not used to depending on anyone. on missing and wanting to see anyone this much. fucking tooot. i hate him. him and his stupid smile. and stupid voice. and stupid stupid comments. gaaad. i need a distraction. fast.

StiLl FaLliNg.//* 9:13 AM

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Friday, September 08, 2006

okay. so i haven't stopped smiling eversince wednesday. :) and i know the reason why. i met him. the guy who i've only seen in pictures, texted and chatted with. i was really excited to see him. i mean, he looked sooo fine in his pictures and he made me laugh. :) i'll decsribe him first. he's chinito. he's really tall. like 5'9 or 5'10. nice build. skin tone isnt dark but isnt white either. well aside from his legs but let's go to that later. :P so anyway, we're opposites. he's shy espescially with girls. he's sporty. he's quiet. well i'm not. im a social person so i get along with just about everyone. guys not excluded. i'm noisy. i'm in no way, shape or form sporty. i hate anything that will make me sweat. i'm too lazy for that. :P anyway, so i went to la salle last wednesday with nikki and fish. we went straight to his classroom and even rode the elevator. it wa so damn hott! :P fish's beau was there too. so we asked him, "where toooot?" then he said, "he's coming na." so every chinito guy that would pass us, i'd look if it was him. gosh. i was so nervous. i mean what if he doesnt look like his pic? not to be shallow or anything but.. he was SOO hott is his damn pic. so anyway, when i finally DID see him. WOAH. that was all i could say. i turned to nikki and said, "nikki.. ang hot niya." nikki looked at him and told me, "oh my god bes. ang hottie nga niya." cue blush. hahah :P so anyway, he went to me and leaned on the doorway. he said, "hey sam." and he smiled that lazy smile that my knees went putty for. i couldn't even look at him. i just said hey back, smiled then turned to nikki. i was too shy. for the very first time in a long time, i was shy. :P so anyway, it 12.30 then so we went straight to their gymnasium. it was really big and airconditioned. celebs were there too. like chesca garcia, roxy barcelo, maui taylor and other celebs who i forgot already. haha :P i even remembered when tooot and i were talking about that and the escorts. he asked me, "so what if im the escort?" and i was like, "uhhh. good for you?" haha :P what was i supposed to say? i didn't want him to? :P anyway, so then, while the program was in session, niks, fish and i went to the back to go to the restroom. when we were heading back to the front, i saw tooot's section and tooot. he stuck his tongue out at me and i did the same. haha. :P so medjo and babaw ko? :D then after the looong long program where i also saw cutie justin quirino. we went to fish's beau na. i was looking for tooot but didn't see him. so i talked to fish. here's the part where i couldn't stop smiling about. :) so the whole highschool was singing their la salle alma mater. i was talking to fish. i didn't notice that tooot came up behind me. i was so caught up in what i was saying that i didn't realize he already put his arm around my shoulders with a smile on his face. but his arm wasn't touching me. fish, her beau, erl [my friend] and nikki saw tooot doing that but didn't say anything to me. i didn't even notice the way they were smiling. after sometime, fish's beau looked at me and nodded. so i turned my back and saw toot. i was shocked. i really didn't expect him to be there. but i did see his arm go down but didn't think anymore of it. he was smiling really stupidly and raising his fist in the air [all of the guys were doing it]. so lets skip to the part where i watched him train. so we entered their gym right? i knew he was there but didn't dare look at him coz i was too damn shy. but nikki told me to look coz he was waving at me. i smiled and waved back but didn't look back again. gooosshh. when we reached the bleachers, nikki told me that tooot was watching me all the way to the bleachers. so kilig na kilig na ako niyan? :D they started stretching and napatitig nalang kami kay tooot eh. his back was faced to us so when i placed his arms over his head. his biceps flexed. cue drool. haha :D his legs were white too. coz he was wearing his jersey and he was runnign all over the place so my eyes kinda strayed and went o his legs. :D he is so god damn fine! and he was a good basketball player. and everytime he missed a shot, my friends would say he was "distracted" daw kasi. RIGGGGHT. :D so there was one time where he threw the ball using two hands. you know when you can't carry the bowling ball wih one hand, so you use two and roll it to the lane? well that's what he did. i said pa nga, "ano ba namang klaseng shoot yan??" and after i said the word "shoot" it went through the net. stupid tooot. haha :D nikki and fish were telling me nga, "sam, i want him for you.super" and i was like, "i want him for me too." hahah :)) anyway, even if all the thigns he did was subtle? it made a huge impact on me. i never went for torpe good guys but i guess there's always a first time for everything right? :) he asked fish's beau if me and erl had something going on. so parang si erl sabi sakin, selos naman siya? haha :D my friend also told me before na tooot asked her boyfriend if my standards were super high daw. her boyfriend told him that if tooot drove anything lower than a civic, i was waayy out of his league. epal!!! :) i couldn't believe he said that. but it was funny though. :P if tooot only knew. i mean.. he sucks. i hate him. coz his friends even told me na they're not used to the tooot they saw last wednesday. and i was like why. they said tooot wasn't that kulit or maasar sa girl. so why sa akin he's like that? i wish i had an answer to that. i really really hate him coz he's making me think about him more than i'd want to. making me analyze and miss him. stupid torpe shy neanderthal-ish tooot. haay. :) i wish wednesday would repeat all over again. :D

StiLl FaLliNg.//* 2:13 PM

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Saturday, May 20, 2006

i've watched and heard about terrible things happening to people. death of a loved one and whatnot. but i couldn't really sympathize since i didn't know how it felt like.. until now. alam mo yung saying na "you don't really appreciate what you have until you lose them"? well that's true. andrew was.. a really amazing guy. i have been friends with his sister since grade 2. tin and i became best friends and i would go to her house and stuff. ofcourse i see andrew there tapos we would talk and stuff. translation: aasarin niya ako. it was cool and all. i really liked him. i mean, really liked him. he was cute and funny and nice and smart. but after grade school i didn't see tin all that much. not at all actually. so i spent my freshman year not really thinking of andrew. then came sophomore year and i saw him sa ateneo fair. WOAH. yun lang masasabi ko. i was shocked at how he changed. he was taller and much much cuter. pero his smile was still the same. the same boyish smile na i liked. haay. im not really making much sense.. i dont know what to think kasi. ang daming thoughts sa brain ko. when tin told me na andrew as in a car crash 2 days before, i was worried. he was in a critical condition. so i told tin na i would come visit him and her sa hospital. but then again. tin texted me this morning.. andrew passed away. i couldn't believe it. i mean! he was so young and sobrang maka-Diyos. i just couldn't accept it. this morning sobrang wala lang. its like nothing happened. i didn't want to think about it. pero a friend of mine called me tapos before i knew it, i was crying. as in bawling my eyes out. i just.. i felt really sad for tin and her family. lalo na kay tin kasi andrew and her were really close. i mean, REALLY CLOSE. parang two peas in a pod. sobrang i just.. i hated God at that moment. kasi naman. sobrang maka-Diyos si andrew. i mean, they pray the rosary every night. they're part of YFC tapos biglang mangyayari toh??? its just not fair. these things aren't suppose to happen to people i know. to people i actually care for. i don't care if these things happen to other people. i know, masama yun pero tangina! its not fair. its not. it makes you think na life really is short. you don't know when you'll leave this world.. sobrang unbelievable. parang i don't want to go to the wake.. i don't think i can bear to see andrew just... there. lying there. alam mo yun? parang im expecting him to sit up and say " JOKE LANG." then laugh it off. i mean.. UGH! ayoko na.. pero i know i have to be strong. for tin. eventhough hindi na kami best friends, im still her friend. andrew was a great guy. he didn't deserve this. alam ko he's with God now pero i just.. im afraid to be close to anyone na. i mean, look at andrew. so what if i liked him since i was in grade school? its not like we had anything going on pero im still crying over him. GOD. this sucks. andrew is as good as it gets. he's really really cute. he's nice, sweet, gentleman and really funny. sobrang galing pa niya sumayaw. he was too young. gaaah. i want my ice cream.

StiLl FaLliNg.//* 1:58 PM

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Friday, May 12, 2006

im sorry i haven't updated for so long. im lazy. get over it. :) also, my last entry? forget about it. that was just some pent up frustrations released. :P im over the guy and definitely am NOT looking for any reconciliations with him. PAST IS PAST. :) and besides. im kinda like slightly just a little bit crushing on his friend. waaaaah. so efffing cute. anyway, nothing interesting is really happening right now. sana i went with my parents abroad nalang pala. haay. i can't wait for school to start. it seems kasi na my life gets crazy fun when schools in. summer is just... blah. too hot. too boring. but hey, at least there's no homework right? anyhow. im off. gonna watch a movie. ta ta! :)

StiLl FaLliNg.//* 11:57 PM

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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

fuck this. i mean. PUTANGINA. i know i shouldn't care about him and his fucking chick but I DO. not because i love him or any of that crap. but just because of my BRUISED PRIDE. i've never been one of those ma-pride na tao. but that changed. i mean, I was the who ended it. not him. i mean the both of us fucking went around circles for FOUR GODDAMN MONTHS! that's the longest i've ever been with a guy. i fuckin chased him ONCE when he ended it. back then it hurt like hell. i cried the whole bloody night over some stupid guy that didn't even deserve it. i went to school the next day looking like hell because of that. god. it was four months and what i felt for him was fucking close to love! i mean. i was faithful to him and only him. what more does he want from me? apparently more. he wanted to be in a serious relationship. like i'd ever agree to that. i've learned from past mistakes and i don't intend on getting hurt that bad again. im not saying that i'm some kind of player or anything like that but come on. im young. my m.u's before lasted for only a month then i'd end it coz i dunno.. maybe i felt scared or bored or i met someone else or i was plain suffocated. whatever. i mean. we always fought. day and night but somehow we would always get oevr it you know? then i duno. i ended and said i hope we could still be friends. and he had the FUCKING NERVE to tell me that he wouldn't be in any kind of relationship until i was ready or some shit like that. i mean its not like i'd still want him a year from now. but it's a big blow to the ego you know? i mean. he fucking said he love dme even though he knew right from the start that i could never return his feelings like that. that i didn't want to have a boyfriend or that i dunno. but i stuck around. i know i was a bitch to him. hurting him like hell. but he wasnt the only one who was hurt. i was hurt too you know? i mean, sure he showered me with affections and crap like that but he lies to me. not some big lie or anything but he still did. we were both immature and stubborn. i mean, sure days after i ended it with him, it hurt but i was somehow relieved coz i was free. but i missed him. missed him like hell. but i just dealt with it. i mean we had good times and both sacrificed. he sacrificed his time and so did i. but you know what hurt the most? it hurt that we didn't trust each other that well that we don't even talk on the phone or soemthing. i don't even know him. but i was close to loving him. i was.. it just bugs me a whole lot that i dunno.. he found a replacement so quickly. not that i wouldn't have if the oppurtunity presented itself. but he FUCKING PROMISED. guess that didn't mean much huh? i know i treated him like crap but didn't he get that some people play hard to get because they need to know if the other person's feelings are real.. i needed to know that. coz i was tired of gettign hurt. fuck. god. i feel so much better now.. but damn. it stings you know. i don't know if i should laugh it off or what.. i don't think i'm even ready to face him with that fucking wkhomre. god. okay. if he wants to play with fire. if he wants to actually see how much of a bitch i can be. if he wants to play games.


BRING IT ON.

StiLl FaLliNg.//* 10:08 PM

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Thursday, March 09, 2006

what a relief! our play prod (exam for english and social) is finally over!! :) after 2 quarters of intense and painful practices, it's finally over. and i couldn't be happier. :P we watched the play prod of the first group yesterday. china. it was simply... amazing. ate eds was incredible! i was actually while watching it. the story was truly moving and the actors were great and the lights were perfect. :) they really deserve a perfect score. :P i was soooo effing nervous because iw as going to act. my role was a very very uptight, masungit and mataray na mom. i was trying to keep my son away from this girl because she was poor and well, i just couldn't have that. so all throughout my scene, i had to keep a straight and disgusted face. :P my classmates, teachers and groupmates said i was really effective. ang sungit, sungit ko raw. nakakatakot. haha:)) which is good because that was what i was hoping for. :) i'll be posting pictures later but till then. :)

*practical test (bio)
our practical test in bio was fairly easy. i mean studied and actually listened to the lectures then it wouldn't be hard. we were asked to identify various botany and frog parts. i think i actually did preatty good. but the frogs though. they smelled real bad. their skin and hands and feet were curled up and was hard as a rock. DISGUSTING. X( ooh. its cool though because one of the frogs used was the frog that I dissected with my partner angel. :P dissecting frogs is not cool. at all. i felt real bad for the frogs coz some of my classmates actually cut out their frog's stomach, lungs, liver while the frog was still alive. tsk. tsk. but what i find the most revolting things about frogs are? it's their eggs. the ova. EWW. they're black with white dots. gross. i never want to disect another frog again. and to think i wanted to be a doctor when i grow up. :D

StiLl FaLliNg.//* 5:43 PM

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okay. i just saw his friend's multiply. putangina. may pic siya with a girl na mukha namang swelas ng sapatos ko!!!! damn it. im hating him. and her. and him. FUCK THIS.

StiLl FaLliNg.//* 1:42 PM

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